THE IN-BETWEEN
You’re feeling uneasy because you’re torn between the old and the new.
The old you is craving the familiar.
But the new you is seeking the adventure of something unchartered.
Don’t make the mistake of sitting in the in-between too long. Because procrastination is the paradox that keeps you safe but at the same time,
kills the growth your soul is ready for.
And make no mistake. You are ready.
IMAGE | Hanna Postova
Going all-in is terrifying.
I remember the feeling at 23.
And I remember the feeling at 33.
Despite the ten year gap, the unnerved anxiousness was still very present a decade later.
Nothing had changed.
At the time, I was working with a well-established Buyer’s Advocacy and Investment Strategy firm in Brisbane. I had taken 18 months off to “get myself better” following my separation from the ex.
The fall-out from the relationship had left me bitter, broke and clinically depressed.
In our 8 years together, we had built what felt like a little empire. We had houses, a business, and a plan to further develop our property. After all, that was the plan. It was never to separate.
But that is a story for another time.
In the 18 months between winding up our assets and our relationship, I found myself in a state of utter loneliness and loss, and so, following the advice of a random psychic, I booked a trip to Asia to be with my Filipino family and heal.
She told me I needed to reconnect with my asian roots and so I booked a one-way ticket to Manilla and met my cousin, having no real plan on when I was coming home. If ever. I told him everything and like the psychic predicted, he played a significant part in my healing journey.
Fast forward my overseas trip and I was back in Brisbane.
Still lonely. Still single. And broker than I’d ever been in my life.
I never really had the money to travel, but something inside told me that if I didn’t escape the battleground of my recently destroyed life, there might not be a future for me.
So I put the cost of travel and everything that came with it on my already maxed-out credit card and took it to new levels of debt. Thankfully, my cousin covered a lot of my costs whilst I was in his company and for this, I will forever be grateful for the kindness and compassion he showed me during that time.
Now that I was back in Aus, It was time to find a job.
A what?
I hadn’t had a “job” since I left the safety net of salary based real estate work in 2002.
It was 2013 and applying for a job felt foreign to me, but I needed the money.
I remember the interview with S well.
We were sitting at the Coffee Club in West End and he asked me if it was going to be a problem getting to the office since I lived 45 minutes away on the other side of Brisbane.
Absolutely! I replied without hesitation.
“But how about this.
If you put me on, I’ll meet the sales targets in 3 months or I’ll fire myself. How does that sound?”
24 hours later, I was hired.
A few months into the job, S laughed about how I was the “worst” interviewee out of the six he screened that day.
I quickly interrupted to remind him; “yeah, but I was the best.”
“You were the most experienced”, was his reply.
I know he never regretted choosing me because I did meet those sales targets. But I felt like shit in the process.
The whole thing was feeling way too transactional for my liking and we clashed like cats and dogs until the point where I couldn’t take the anxiety of having to secure another deal by Friday or face “detention” on Saturday.
S always thought I had planned the escape from day one but in truth, I just wanted a stable job, doing what I knew best - real estate. I never ever had intended to go out on my own again. I was still in a bad place mentally and I craved the security of a job and a team I could lean on and bounce numbers off, but in truth, it wasn’t who I was.
About 12 months later, I left.
I had no real plan but leaving was my only option.
S, if you’re reading this - my intentions were never to use you as career leverage. It’s just that eventually, water finds it own level, and mine was to always become an independent, running my own race. It’s who I am. I lost myself momentarily and you happened to come into my life at that point, and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity you gave me. It helped me find myself again and it set me up for my soul’s purpose. Thank you.
I had left the in-between.
