THE CALLING: you are being re-directed
Maybe the reason you’re laying awake at 3am isn’t the anxiety.
Maybe it’s the Calling.
Accept that your mind needs the extra waking hours of processing time because it’s clearing away the old
and making way for the new.
Learn to sit with the mental chatter rather than fight it.
It’s here because you’re being prepped for the next phase.
Your higher self is redirecting you to greener pastures and it’s time to let go and commit to moving forward.
3am.
IMAGE | Tom Grasner
Was it all a bad dream?
No.
I was alone.
Immediately, the anxiety flooded my being like it had done the night before.
And the one before that.
For 2 years, this was my on again, off again sleep pattern. Or more appropriately, disorder.
I had bombed out of two back to back relationships and for the first time in 11 years, I was sleeping alone.
I’d like to think that I looked upon being single again as an exciting new chapter in my life, but my thoughts were far from excited. They were dark. Obsessive even.
The world I had known for the last 8 years had fallen apart due to my own doing and I desperately wanted the comfort of a relationship back.
Had I thrown it all away on the thrill of a fresh start with a not so fresh acquaintance who could never possibly give me what I wanted?
The life I’d built. Had I really even wanted it? It was never my idea to move away. Let alone start a real estate business. I should never have sold all of my houses. If only I’d kept one. Stupid girl.
These thoughts bounced around like ping pong balls until the early hours of every other morning in 2012 and the only reprieve from the anxiety was having to let Slicky out to do wee wee’s.
Once that was done, it was back to over-thinking again.
I was tired.
My mind was on overdrive in a desperate attempt to work it all out. If I could just figure out where I went wrong, I could fix this state of anxiety and be rid of the pain once and for all.
There had to be a reason I had ended up here.
But looking back, nothing was wrong.
And I never did anything wrong.
Everything was as it should have been. In that moment, this was where I was supposed to be.
I was being re-directed.
Those relationships had served their purpose for me and it was time for my solo stint to begin. Resisting it was never going to work.
I needed to sit in the pain.
I needed to endure the loneliness.
Wake up at 3am and process the thoughts.
And accept that I had made those decisions for very good reasons.
My body knew and my mind was only just catching up.
The universe was prepping me for greater things.
But I needed to complete this chapter solo in order to build the mental stamina for the next one.
Because I was going to need it.
